The lumps on yur friend's head are called "wens" in homeopathic language and are not usually a problem. i have lots of patients that have them and they have never been troublesome.

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RSHom - Registered Homeopath

Dear Divina,
dear Lisa,
dear Shashi,
dear Barb,
dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
Ladies and Gentlemen,

This is my weekly update:

Something in me changed, I do not know when, but I realized it on Saturday evening. To explain what changed I feel I need to give you some background information.

That weekend a friend was staying with us from Saturday till Sunday. Saturday evening my grandma (mother's side) called and (again!) asked me to come with her to her hairdresser to have my hair cut and trimmed so that finally I would look decent in her eyes. She does not like my hair and I know that because she has told me repeatedly. I was very upset after the phonecall and told my friend (partner 'Paul') and the friend who was staying with us. I let them know that my parents, too, have stated before that 'a person in my position should wear the hair differently'. I also told him and her that a few weeks ago, shortly before Christmas my other grandmother (father's side) had called and in the course of our telephone conversation had told me that now that I finally lost some weight I am 'finally starting to look like a human being'. I also told them that my grandmother (father's side), when I was little, gave me a cookbook for my birthday and said something like 'you do not have to eat what you cook'. Also that the same grandmother gave a box of Kellogg's corn flakes to my brother when we were kids and told him 'do not share with your sister, she is not supposed to eat such food' while I was sitting there with them. I also told that when I was younger my aunt promised she would give me 100 DM (about 50 $) when I would loose weight. Then I lost my composure and broke into tears (and I am crying again, while I am writing this). This was the background.

Two sides of this story are completely new developments for me: First that I told people how I was treated and that I felt very deeply humiliated by the treatment that I told them about second that I lost my composure and broke into tears in front of my friend (the one who visited us). I usually keep my composure in front of strangers/friends apart from my partner.

What makes me so angry and sad is that people (even my own family!!!) seem to think that being overweight I am ugly, not a human being, and that money would make loosing weight easier. I do not want to talk bad about my family and I am very much convinced that they all in their hearts wanted to help me, they just chose (in my opinion) very bad and for me humiliating and hurting ways to help me.

Well, both - my friend and the friend - told me I was a human being in their eyes and I look ok and my hair is ok, too. And yes, my parents are little bit right about the hair and they have never used humiliating or hurting words to make their point. Still I like my hair and for the time being there will be no change, at least no change with a pair of scissors, I am always willing to try and learn to arrange it differently to look more sophisticated.

Sorry about the long story, I just thought this change in behavior might be of interest from the Homeopath's point of view.

The rest of the week was less spectacular. I had to go on a two day business trip to hold a lecture and returned this evening. (I needed a lot of dark chocolate yesterday and today (which I had to buy on Thursday) - in total 100 g (about three ounces) to compensate for the feeling of loneliness but managed to fit most of it into the diet - carb-wise. I know that this is not the best way to eat but it made me feel better and so I forgave myself. I am not worried about my friend's health any more because he is feeling much better.

The best development of the week (after my friend's recovery): Yesterday I started a period, 42 days after the last one. Up to now the pain is tolerable without Ibuprofen and the blood is manageable - I am prepared and stocked for the worst and the next two days are weekend days, so I am relaxed about the subject and happy that I am functioning much, much closer to normal than last year.

On Wednesday my weight was back at 93 Kilo and that made me happy (I have not checked since).

I am very grateful that another period came and that I am feeling much, much better (calmer, more balanced) than half a year ago and I thank you all very, very much for helping me to accomplish so much already.

Bettina

(I sent a private e-mail to Shirley.)

[ 18 January 2002: Message edited by: Bettina ]</p>

It is a very common homeopathic reaction to a good remedy that emotions come up that have been suppressed for a long time.This is very healing as they are up , out and away.

You have your hair as you want to!! Don't let others try to change you if you don't want to be changed!!

Good about the arrival of another period as it shows your homones are getting themeselves together. You have also done very well getting yourself back on weight target before the end of the month.

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RSHom - Registered Homeopath

Dear Bettina,

That you are now able to express how you feel is excellent. I think you are a wonderful complete human being.

In the business world we are often judged by how we look, our hair style, our fashion sense. If this were not appropriate, you would not be as successful as you are. Also, you would know if your friend did not like your hair. And most importantly, you should wear your hair and dress in a way that feels right for you.

I think you are very generous and forgiving to have put up with your relatives' verbal abuse (I do think that's what it is) for so long. This has probably made a deep impact on you as a child and part of why your self esteem is low. It must have hurt you deeply.

It might help to decide how you want to respond to your relatives next time they abuse you. I'm sure you would never do anything to hurt anyone's feelings, but it may be important for you to let them know that they are hurting you.

Everything seems to be working for you and the remedy response appears to be excellent. You're really doing well and seem to have a healthy attitude and healthy responses to life's ups and downs.

Shirley

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Shirley Reischman

Hi Bettina!

First of all, I think it is a sign of very good strength the feel angry about such experiences, and to be resistant to "suggestions" made by those around you.

I think you handled that well--and I encourage you to prepare for such cruelty the next time it comes your way from "well-meaning" people.

You already know that in our society, it is perfectly acceptable--in fact encouraged!--for people to practice open discrimination and hostility against the overweight. In fact, people are so terrified by "fat" and by becoming fat (because they know how fat people are treated!) that they have pathologized fat.

You have to understand that your relatives are merely acting as they've been conditioned to act towards you--they are not thinking, and they don't realize how cruel they are. If they were to only stop and think about what they've said, they would be horrified at their behaviour.

So you must point out to them that their words and behaviour towards you--their cruelty--will not be tolerated any further. This can be done lovingly, so that they don't get defensive--but they have to be made to realize just how hurtful they are. I know that once you are able to do this with them, they will never bother you again in this way. No one likes to realize that they can be this damaging to another person, simply by not thinking. Remind them that you are a human being who deserves respect, not mistreatment.

As for your grandmother's offer to help you become more acceptable in her eyes, well, I have a not-so-kind response ready for relatives like that. It involves the mention of nursing homes...but I have to reserve that for my family alone!! (just KIDDING!!! Do NOT say this to your grandmother!!) Please keep in mind that her opinion should matter very little--Shirley was quite correct to remind you that if you did not look "acceptable", you would not be as successful in your career as you obviously are.

It is always great to see you doing so well. You are right to feel anger at such comments--I know you will find a way to eliminate such negativity from your life now that you've become so aware of its presence in your world. I'm sure you will learn a great deal in confronting your relatives about this, too. Now that its all "out in the open", it can be cleared up once and for all!

Divina

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...and deliverance has many faces<br />but grace<br />is an aquaintance of mine

Dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
dear Divina,

thank you very, very much for your kind and reassuring words. I am thinking a lot about this issue. At the moment I just wanted you to know I saw your messages and they acted like soothing ointments applied to my bruised personality or soul.

Thank you so very much.

Bettina

Dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
dear Divina,

this morning I did not have enough time to write about my thoughts which I want to share with you:

I have already been able to tell my parents that it hurt to keep hearing the 'good' and 'well-meant' suggestions and again, they (almost) always used much nicer words than my two grandmothers. So the situation, in my eyes, has been cleared with my parents and I am most grateful (and amazed) that I was able to talk to them openly.

As to my grandmothers I had decided not to confront them, even before I read your kind posts. After having read your posts I am still inclined not to confront them although this may not be the correct decision. Please allow me to explain why:

My father's mother is his step mother. We do not have a genetic relationship, so - please excuse me for what I am saying now - her words do not hurt me as much as the words my other grandmother said. I do not know whether I can express this in a way that you may understand, I do not care about her so much because she has repeatedly been unfair also against my father, my parents and they have all been hurt worse than I. I am just happy that I am not genetically linked to a person who can (maybe even unwillingly) be so cruel and cold. And she has been through a lot of unpleasant and sad experiences in her live, so on the other hand I also feel sorry for her - maybe that is why she does not have any fine emotional sense anymore? She is over 80 years old and fights cancer so I decided not to confront her. Maybe I do not care enough about her to confront her? The next time she says anything odd I will do my best to take a deep breath and rest in my knowledge that I am a complete human being and there are a few people in this world who like me.

My other grandmother's words affect me more and I at least listen to her opinion, but still I decided not to confront her. She, too, is old (86) and she, too, has survived cancer and been through very tough experiences in her life. She is not very healthy presently. I know she means well and I know she cares very much about me, just in her - for me sometimes hard to understand - way. I have the impression she (and maybe my parents) are frightened I may be missing chances and might be more successful if I would only adapt my appearance. They do not want me to miss opportunities because of such a 'small' 'unnecessary' reason. Up to about three months ago the constant topic was 'loose weight' now that I am slowly loosing a bit of weight they feel there is room for more improvement.

Now I am sitting here and asking myself whether I am just avoiding an unpleasant situation (confrontation of the grandmother I like) because I am a weak person or whether I came to a right and kind humane decision. With my mother's side grandmother I feel I care too much about her to confront her. By no means I want her to be upset about me. Maybe I was manipulated into this behavior, I do not know. I remember that when I was younger she very often made me have a very bad conscience by telling me she cried all night worrying about me and I definitely do not want this to happen again. She even accused me for being the reason for problems my mother was having and such. I now know that this definitely not the right way to treat a child or a teenager or a very young adult. But still, now that she is so old, does it make sense to warm up the past and go into a confrontation and maybe hurt her??? I honestly do not know.

I hope you understand and I hope that for me I came to a decision that will not hinder or slow down my way towards health and happiness.

I will just add a very short physical update because I am a little amazed about how well I feel: The period was/is much easier to handle than the last ones. Only Saturday was a hard night and day. I did not need any Ibuprofen, though, and that makes me happy. I hope that this is not just a short break, I will know and tell more on Friday. I even exercised in the mornings yesterday and today.

Thank you for 'listening', I am very, very grateful and I have the very good feeling that I am going through positive changes.

Bettina

The last part of the last sentence is the important part of your treatment Bettina. It shows the remedy is working the correct way!!

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RSHom - Registered Homeopath

Dear Bettina--- you have not heard from me before but I have been here from the beginning following your posts from start to finish. I just had to put in my little bit after reading your last post.
I must say that from what I can see, you have grown and changed in some most important ways and I find strength from reading all your posts.
As for the reasons for not confronting your maternal Grandmother, I feel that you are facing the situation like a level headed adult that has both common sense and a deep feeling of love and respect fro your peers. I personally understand your plight when it comes to an unrelenting , but well meaning Grandparent as I have an 88 year old grandmother that alos has used the emotional side of her personality to guide situations in her own favour. These people come from a different era than us and find it hard to relate in the same way that we do.
Your response is normal in feeling hurt, and also in trying to protect her emotions.
Keep on going Bettina -- with your determination and love for life you will make your goals become a reality.
Simone

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Simone_M

Hi Bettina,

I am really pleased about the status so far. I am sorry, I was away on an Ear Acupuncture course which I think I mentioned when we met in London.

I just have to agree with Ricky, that you are doing well and just keep it up.

It has been a long while to come on this BB because of certain commitments nothing else.

Hope everything goes well for you and all on this BB & other sites relating to health.

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Dr. Shashi Roy
"Sarve Santoo NirAamyah"<br />"Sarve Bhavantoo Sukhinaam"<br /><br />Best Regards<br /><br />Shashi Roy