Dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
dear Snoopy,

I tested negative!

(My doctor was not available yesterday and I have only just a few minutes ago returned from her office.)

Currently I am in my office, so unfortunately I do not have time to write more. I will return this late afternoon to tell what the doctor said and I will also try to explain why I really do not want to be pregnant.

Thank you very much for your words.

Bettina

Dear Bettina,

Congratulations, way to go! (That's an American expression.)

Please don't feel you have to explain to us why you don't want to be pregnant. It's something no one is neutral about. Either you're thrilled about it or horrified. It's a very extreme condition--your body changes; you can get sick, have headaches, insomnia...it can be frightening.

But, if it makes you feel better to talk about it, feel free.

Snoopy

Dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
dear Snoopy,
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Yes, I feel much better now. Relieved, indescribably relieved.

Everything you write about having children is true, I know that. Many people around us do have children of different ages, babies to teenagers and are happy and fulfilled with them. I just babysat for a friend on Tuesday and the five month old baby was truly cute and easy to handle and had a beautiful, beautiful heartwarming smile. Having children often is a topic around me and numerous times we are being asked when we will have children. They tell us we are missing the most rewarding and beautiful experience one can have in life. And I know that many, many women are depressed and unhappy because they are trying to conceive and fail. The PCOS news-groups, there even is a German one now, are full of this.

And still, I honestly and deep in my whole body and heart panic at the thought of becoming pregnant and I cannot help it and honestly, I do not even want to help it. You have asked what is so bad about becoming pregnant and having children? And, of course, I have wrecked my brains on this even before I read your comments yesterday. And I will at least try to give an answer now. I hope that this may give you more insight into my personality an may possibly be helpful for your work with me?

Nothing objectively is bad about having children, I even like and adore little babies and small children and my boyfriend's nephews and my friend's daughter who are teenagers already.

When I read your posts at first for a moment I felt worse than ever before. Please do not misunderstand me, this is not meant as an offense or attack. I felt that you were right, but at the same time I felt so bad, because I really do not want to have children. I felt so not-understood. Can you understand this?

I went through hell during the past days. I remember my boyfriend once said when we were still dating, but not a couple yet, that he would not want do deal with a woman who aborted a child. This kept circling in my thoughts. I never forgot that. And I read all the stories that were written about abortion and how the authors think the unborn would feel and I read many reports from unhappy and happy women who aborted. Yesterday, after many tears I finally told my boyfriend of my fear of loosing him because, had I become pregnant I would have aborted. He was shocked about my worries, hugged me and told me that we would go through this together in any case and it would be ok. He was greatly relieved, however, when today he heard that I tested negative.

All my hard thinking while trying to fall asleep, or driving my car, or trying to concentrate on something else led me to the following reasons that make me not want to have a child.

1. Since age six I heard from everyone around me (parents (both), grandmothers, aunts, different doctors) that I am overweight. Not always put into loving words, I also heard
- I am a disgrace for the family
- they are ashamed because of me
- I look disgusting
- seeing me makes people loose their appetites
- my father is deeply disappointed because he will never be able to proudly be accompanied by a shining beautiful daughter (he never said this, this came from my mother)
- when I eat I look greedy like a pig,
- I am monstrous and shapeless, not a pretty sight
- etc.

(I do not mean to talk bad about my family here, I love all of them except for my father's stepmother who last year told me I "finally start to look like a human being". My mother once told me when I asked her a short time ago why she used such humiliating expressions on me that she was at her wits end with me, worried about me and thought that this treatment would finally awake me and make me want to loose weight. I now know that all of this most probably had its origin in the worries about me and in their love for me, but then I did not have any idea of these fine pedagogical proceedings and felt unloved and humiliated and just bad and sought comfort in forbidden food.)

Every once in a while my mother summoned me to step on the scale and then told me with a grave and disappointed and sometimes angry face how very much overweight I was and I should be ashamed. At the table one sentence (mostly from my father) that always made my stomach curl was " 'Bettina', what does your weight do?" and he would then tell me how important it is to exercise and eat a "healthy" diet and only very little. And he would continue to proclaim that only if I looked nice and beautiful I would have a chance in life for a nice husband and a successful career.

My favorite aunt once told me she would give me 100 German Marks (that then was a huge amount of money then) if I lost weight. Since then for a very long time I did not enjoy visiting or seeing her anymore, because I knew she wanted to see me slimmer. By the way, this is the aunt who now is so very happy that I lost weight and always hugs me and tells me how great I look already and how proud she is and who gave me her leather jacket which already almost fit because she was so happy. I believe her, but anyway, when I was younger she hurt my feelings.

At school the other kids called me very unkind names throughout all the time that I went to school (bull, tank, German tanks are rolling again, fat cow, pig, etc). I, with every fiber of my ugly body, hated school sports which were mandatory and my parents never wrote any excuses for me. I was the last one to be chosen when teams for different sports games were called and the team that I finally had to join never failed to make it clear that they did not want to have me.

I do not want to give my genes to another human being, if I had an overweight child I could not stand the pain of knowing what it would have to endure.

2. I have always, always, always hated seeing any doctor. The doctor's comments were always the same: You are overweight, you must loose weight. And they never told me how to. Their ideas never, never, never worked. I felt humiliated and not understood and not being regarded as a living person with feelings by the doctors. My infections and other problems that were the reason to go see the doctor always seemed to be due to my weight I felt. Or would a normal person with an ear infection be told to loose weight? I loathed having to undress in front of strangers and being looked at with this expression of shock and sad helpless compassion in their eyes while their heads were shaking in disapproval. Having children would definitely mean I would have to see many and undress in front of many different doctors many, many times. I do not want that.

3. My parents and my grandmother have very often put me on different diets (never low-carb, by the way) – unsuccessfully, due to my fault. I was always desperately hungry and I always found ways to secretly have more food than I was supposed to have. I will never in my life want to have to put anyone on any diet. Again, I do not want to transfer my genes into another person. Oh, how I hate the sentence of my mother: " 'Bettina' you will have one slice of bread, put curd cheese on one half and choose what you want on the other half but very, very thinly spread". The memory still makes me hungry and angry.

4. It is hard to almost impossible to find decent clothing weighing over 100 Kilos. Now I fortunately am not as heavy anymore (and I cannot tell you often enough how very, very, very happy I am about this fact and the credit for this completely goes to you here), but still it is not easy to find nice clothes and it is more expensive than regular clothes. Being pregnant would mean gaining weight and growing still bigger and ending up with almost no clothing to wear except huge bags draped around me with everyone on the street staring at me. There is no way I will undergo this if I can prevent it.

5. One reason also may possibly be that I very often was put in charge for looking after my younger autistic brother. I worried a lot about him and often I had a hard time keeping him out of trouble. My mother claims my father has autistic traits and it is said that his mother "was different and behaved as if she was a better person" and his grandmother had an ice-cold heart. This leads me to think that maybe autism runs in the family genes and I already have more than enough worries and trouble with my brother. Still. In fact I will take a few days off this month to try and help him get his apartment organized and cleaned. I love him and I do not want to be without him, but another one like him would be too much.

6. Then there is PCOS, as I now know, which is another thing I would rather not pass on to another person.

7. Yes, and finally there probably also is a huge amount of laziness and egoism in not wanting to care for a child. But I am not sure about this point.

I know that all of the above is a very one-sided view, it is my view, and I am convinced my family did not want to do me any bad or humiliate me.

I do hope that maybe this could give you more insight into my personality or energy and that now you will understand my panic of becoming pregnant. I now do understand it, finally, after so much thinking about it. The above process of realization only came to me in this clearness during the past days. I have never talked to anyone about this and I probably could not do it in person on a face to face basis because it would make me cry and I would do anything to prevent that in front of a living person. So the internet does have its great advantages.

Back to today and the future.

The doctor suggested to wait about two more weeks for the period to come and if it does not she could give me some medication (hormones, I guess) to make it come. She said it is a great accomplishment to have improved so much (lost weight and had 10 periods last year) with "natural medicine". I just smiled.

Writing all of the above was painful, but it did make me feel better. Now I will put on a smile and go back to enjoying my life.

Thank you all, I am deeply grateful for all you have given me here. As said above, my situation has greatly improved since you started helping me. Over all I am much happier with my life now than I was for a very, very long time. Today was a good day.

Bettina

I forgot to say that I was very grateful and also relieved to read that you would not be judgemental however I would decide to solve my situation. This comforted me very much, because I had also already worried about this.

I am working on it together with Shirley!! If you could be an animal what would you choose and why?

__________________
RSHom - Registered Homeopath

Bettina,

How would you feel about adopting a child? So much of what you say concerns your genetic makeup, so I'm curious.

Also when James came back from Germany, he described you as sweet and lovely, with a very German look about you that he admires.

__________________
Shirley Reischman

My dear Bettina

I have tears in my eyes from reading about your experience. I am in the process of treating someone right now who has PCOS and suffered awful abuse as a child from classmates, etc. For her, this abuse has led to a complete mistrust of society and an almost agoraphobic condition. This type of treatment as a child can lead to horrific scars on a persons soul (and a large effect on a persons vital force, I am sure Rciky and Shirley are considering the effects of this treatment in the case).

Shirley asked how you would feel about adoption and I am curious about that as well - also, if your weight was not an issue how would you feel about having a child then?

Bettina, it must be hard for someone who chooses not to have children when so many people out there think that to be "fullfilled" one must have kids. I can say that through your posts you seem to be a very fullfilled, grounded, intelligent and wonderful woman. Don't let others put their opinions upon you - the decision to have or not have a child is very personal and should be taken very seriously. I commend you for your strength of character in knowing what is right for you.

Warmly
Barb

__________________
Man, do not pride yourself on your superiority to animals. For they are without sin and you in your greatness defile the earth by your appearance on it and leave traces of you foulness after you. Dostoyevsky

Dear Bettina,

Thanks for sharing that with us. I'm glad you're feeling better now. You're probably right in your assessment that your parents were probably worried for your future and tried desperately to help you the only way they thought would work. Speaking as someone who is constantly hungry, I know how hard it is to try to eat less;
and I know how attached people get to their food; so, for you to have lost weight, it's truly an accomplishment! By the way, Ricky told me in an email some time ago that she had met you and you are really beautiful!

Speaking of Ricky....Ricky (and Shirley), what I remember about Bettina's case which she originally posted many moons ago, was how homesick she is--if I can use that word. She wants to live near her parents, and when she has to leave after visiting, she is very sad. So, I think it's an important symptom and just wanted to remind you of it.

Bettina, if I could ask, do you still feel the same way about wanting to live near your parents?
Can you tell us why, and what the feeling is when you're about to leave?

Snoopy

[ 15. February 2003, 04:20: Message edited by: Snoopy ]

Also, if I remember correctly Bettina, you're thirstless? Yes? And very, very hot, am I right ? And you cry easily, as I remember.
You much prefer cold fresh air, as I remember.
And you feel better if you have people giving you support, as opposed to being off by yourself.
I'm pretty sure that's correct.

Bettina, how do you feel about fatty food?
How about butter and ice cream?

Thanks,
Snoopy

Dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
dear Snoopy,
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you for all your responses. I will now go through all your posts and answer all the questions:

If I could be an animal I, without hesitation, would choose to be either a domestic cat that is allowed to live outside or a wild tiger or lion. I adore these animals because they are doing exactly what they wish to do. No-one can force his will upon them. And they are very agile, beautiful, strong, silent, survivors, clean, without a smell and everybody admires their beauty and agility and they can decide when they want to be cuddled and stroked and be kept warm for hours. And (at least in movies) they cuddle together if they want to. (All of this probably is very much idolized by me and the real life of these animals most probably feels very different.)

Thank you for the compliments about my looks. Unfortunately I never was brave enough to e-mail you a picture of me naked or in a bathing suit, maybe I should. My problem is that my tissue all over the parts of my body that you usually do not get to see (my trunk) is very flabby and loose, filled with fat hanging in rings or folds. Almost all the fat is located there, hanging around my middle, and I consider myself lucky that at least my lower arms and lower legs look normal. Together with all the surplus hair, most of it on my legs, I do not consider myself a pretty sight. (And I always wonder why my boyfriend considers me a beautiful woman, he says he does.)

The low-carb diet works for me, because now I am not hungry all the time anymore. There are long time-spans that I feel satisfied and the quality of my hunger or appetite has changed, too. It now often seems to be the normal feeling of hunger, without feeling shaky and needing to eat something immediately. I can stop eating when I am full even though there would be more allowed food around. This has never, never been the case before I started the 'new' diet (I now call it the way of eating that is metabolically correct for me.)

I still often feel the homesickness that I described before. I still want to live near my parents. One reason is that I like to spend time with them, I like being with them, talking to them. On the other hand I feel that I could often be of assistance to them. They are growing older and some chores are becoming more and more difficult for them and my brother does not help at all. I could help in the garden (and I sometimes do when I am there), or be there when something needs to be renovated or such to help decrease the work load for them. I feel lonely, empty, and abandoned (even if my boyfriend is with me) when I have to leave or when they are leaving after a visit here. I never told them this, though. I know it is ridiculous and childish to behave this way when I leave. And it is not only my parents, I prefer the northern flat (!) landscape, the higher sky, the wind on my face and in my hair, the rougher weather, the closeness of the sea, even the rain. And I miss my northern German friends. I have almost no friends where I live at the moment. The people are different here.

Thirst: I think I am not thirstless anymore. Every single book on a low-carb diet states that it is essential to get enough liquid on such a diet to keep the kidneys healthy so at first I forced myself to drink at least two liters of water each day. Meanwhile I have gotten used to drinking this amount of water and do not have to force myself anymore. I do feel thirst when I forget to drink and now often take a bottle of water with me if I go on trips, even if I go to town shopping.

I still cry very easily, that is still true and has not changed.

In summer I am easily very hot I perspire easily in summer. On my face which is embarrassing. In winter I now like warmer rooms than I did the years before. I am easily cold at present.

And yes, I do not like to be off by myself, only when I wander through shops and look at everything (my boyfriend hates this, it would be more fun if he, too, enjoyed it and accompanied me).

I have totally changed my attitude about fatty food. I now like butter and cream very much. (Sauces prepared with butter and cream, steak with herbed butter, etc.) I loooooove ice cream (chocolate ice-cream!), but unfortunately this is very forbidden on the diet, so I am not having it (ok, very, very rarely in summer and sometimes a homemade sugar-free substitute).

I never thought of adopting a child. I never had the deep inner wish to have a child that so many women describe.

I can only hypothesize about how I would feel about having children if my weight was not an issue, because my weight has been an issue ever since I took my first breath. At first I always was too skinny, then (as my father once put it) "there was one day in my life that I was at normal weight when I was about five and a half years old", and then I became grossly overweight. Had I been normal, I guess, I would feel differently about having children, but this truly is just a guess, because I really do not know. One thing is for sure, if I had a child I would never only have one, I would have two.

Often I worry about what my life will be like when I grow old and not have children to support me. Of course I know that one does not have children to be supported at old age, but I see my parents supporting my grandmother and I will always do what I can for my parents without being forced to do it. They do not take this for granted and always are very thankful. (E.g. My mother just broke a finger a few days ago and wanted to cancel her birthday breakfast party on the coming Saturday. I told her not to cancel it and I will take an extra day off on Friday do the work and she was very happy and I am happy to have a chance to help and make her happy.)

Now my ears and cheeks are starting to become a little red (just kidding) ... this morning, for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed intimate activities with my boyfriend again. I even started it, partly not to become totally neurotic about it, and partly because I wanted to.

Now I am really curious whether I will be advised to take a new remedy to further improve my situation?

Thank you for all your kind and encouraging words.

Bettina

[ 15. February 2003, 13:23: Message edited by: Bettina ]

MIND; Delusion; ANIMAL, wants to be / (s)he is an ~ ...!

[ 15. February 2003, 14:12: Message edited by: panthera-non-onca ]