A surrealistic play in two acts

The location: Dr. S. surgery
Players: Dr. S, a well known doctor in town.
The patient M who has been with different doctors before.

Curtain:
The doctor at his desk, the patient M. enters the room. With a nod the doctor tells the patient M to take place in the other side of the desk.
Dr.S.: [in a slightly hurried voice]: what is wrong with you?
M.: Ooh different things; I just feel generally weak and have thrush and get colds easily.
And I—
Dr.: S [interrupts]: What else?
M: [hurried under preasure] My sleep is bad and I feel depressed.
Dr. S.: We need to take a blood sample and test for different things, then we know more and can act. So please get the nurse outside to take a blood sample from you and come back in two weeks for the results.
Curtain

Curtain:
Fourteen days later, the doctor’s surgery.

Dr.S: Take a seat
M. sits down.
Dr.S: slowly opens the file in front of him with an important looking gesture and starts reading.
M. [after a few minutes]: can you give me the results?
Dr.S: Yes—the results show, that you have Gash. This is a relatively new disease.
M.: What does Gash stand for?
Dr.S: G stands for Gonorrhoea, A stands for Aids, S stands for syphilis, H stands for Herpes.
M.: [fearful]: And what is going to happen to me?
Dr.S: We have to hospitalise you immediately.
M.: and then?
Dr.S: The treatment is highly successful.
M.: What is going to happen to me [even more fearful]
Dr.S.: We put you on a special diet.
M.: What kind of a diet?
Dr.S: Ryevita and cheese.
M.: why is that?
Dr.S.: [hurried] that’s the only thing that fits under the door.

Curtain

__________________
Hans Weitbrecht
Consultant Homeopath

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town. After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, the doctor said, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.''

So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ''Drop your pants, and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''What?'' says the man. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!'' screams the man. ''Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.

About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ''Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,'' says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.'' So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie. ''Drop your pants and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''This again?'' yells the man. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.

So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!'' says the man. ''Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. ''Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie,'' says the doctor. As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.'' So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says, ''Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer.'' As the man turns pale the doctor says, ''Trust me. I'm the doctor.''

The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor. The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer. ''Drop your pants and bend over,'' says the doctor. ''But, why do we need a hammer?'' asks the man nervously. ''Trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor.

The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear. ''Please!'' says the man, terrified of what is to come next. ''Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor,'' says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens. Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his rear and yells, ''Where's my lemon cookie?!'' And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.

What I'm wondering is, did he finally get that blasted, (greedy) tapeworm on the head or not?

__________________
http://www.homeopathy2health.com

Hehehe.

A very shapely, if well-padded, young lady rushes into the office, saying: "Please, Doctor, I've been feeling genrerally bad lately, please give me a thorough check-up and tell me the truth, mercilessly!"

Doctor: "OK; then please undress."

- and after having examined her carefully for quite some time,

Doctor: "OK, brace yourself, I have three things to tell you:

First thing, you smoke too much; your fingers are yellow from nicotine and its on your breath.

Second thing, you should loose about ten pounds, start a diet and get some exercise.

Third thing, I'm an architect, the doctor's office is on the third floor."

Hans

__________________
<i>You have a right to your own opinion, but not to your own facts.</i>

Mr.Hans,

You didn't tell whether she has visited a allopath or homeopath?

[ 21. October 2003, 12:33: Message edited by: kayveeh ]

__________________
Homeopathic & Biochemic system existed because Drs.Hahnemann & Schuessler thought differently.
Successful people don't do different things, they do things differently..S.Kh.

Architect, Kayveeh, architect . But if you want to be profound about it, the morale seems to be that most of the time it does not take years of studying to tell what the patient's problem is.

Hans

__________________
<i>You have a right to your own opinion, but not to your own facts.</i>

Medical Testing:


A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly.

After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

__________________
"The significance of a fact is measured by the capacity of the observer."
Carroll Dunham

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat (and smoke strong cigarettes)
and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.

__________________
"The significance of a fact is measured by the capacity of the observer."
Carroll Dunham

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign for their establishment: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town council was not happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias & Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids & Hemorrhoids".

No go!

Next they tried "Catatonics & High Colonics".

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic-depressives & Anal-retentives".

Still not good.

How about "Minds & Behinds"?

Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls & A*ss Holes".

Still no go.

Next they tried "Analysis & Anal Cysts".

Then went to "Nuts & Butts" Followed by "Freaks & Cheeks". Even tried "Loons & Moons."

Not acceptable either.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends.

__________________
"The significance of a fact is measured by the capacity of the observer."
Carroll Dunham