Snoopy, thanks for the reply!
Lets see.. at 11 A.M. I usually start my work day. So I think that some of the anxiety is due to the fact that I will have to face the world, and fear that I'll embarrass myself somehow. But on the wekends, I still have this anxiety around this time (11-3 or 4), although not nearly as strong.

Standing in lines?

Hmmm.. never really thought about it or noticed anyting happening when I stand in lines. Actually sometimes I'm more comfortable in line than I am when I get to the front and have to approach the clerk..

How it all started?

Well, I've always been a little odd, thought differently, done things differently. I recall, for instance, playing sports.. I played baseball and I used to envision myself as a "home run king." I'd step up to the plate, thinking I'm going to knock the ball out of the park and swing the bat so hard that it actually knocked me over. The other kids would laugh, which would make me tense and uncomfortable. During junior high I thought that I could win alot of friends with my sense of humor. And I did, and, in some of my classes I really enjoyed being the comic relief and the center of attention. But even then, if I was tense, or said something stupid, or actually had to stand in front of the class, I'd get real nervous and blush. In high school I started drinking alot.. I still liked to amuse my friends, but around people I didn't know all that well I was nervous and tense. I had only two girlfriends in high school.. one was extremely attractive. The only way I could ask her out was by getting slightly intoxicated and going up to where she worked and asking her. And while we were dating I was always afraid to hug her or hold her hand or anything.. even after we had already had sex. She dumped me and then I dated a girl who was several years younger then me, and slightly below my usual standards. I finally became disgusted that I was dating her that I broke the thing off.. At this time I was smoking alot of marijuana as well.. (I know I'm revealing alot here, but better too much than not enough I guess..) Then I became extremely depressed at the time I was graduating high school and started taking Zoloft. While I was on Zoloft I felt tired and lethargic all the time. I felt real numb, and still depressed. But very, very little anxiety. I took a public speaking class in college, while on Zoloft, and felt very littel nervousness while speaking. I was actually voted best public speaker in the class. Lets see... then I got off of Zoloft because it was making me too tired. I started taking Wellbutrin instead. My social anxiety worsened at this time.. and I felt extremely weird on Wellbutrin.. once I took it along with Ritalin (I thought that I had ADD at one time) and I felt like I was on psychedelics. So, I stopped Wellbutrin and started Effexor. Very little help with Effexor at all. I have a suspicion that it may have even worsened my social anxiety, though I'm not really all that sure.

How do I express my anger?

Well I don't get angry about alot of things. The last time I recall getting really, really angry was when I was in college when my car was towed because of a mistake on the part of the parking and traffic office. I had been having a really good day up to that point.. felt really relaxed. Then, I found out that my car was towed and that I would have to pay $350 in parking tickets that weren't mine (they were tickets that the previous owner of my car had accumulated) and I was furious. I punched a hole in my wall, threw a desk, cussed a blue streak.. but, really, for the most part, things really don't bother me. If they do, I usually supress it. (It's not good to do that, I know, but it's the reaction I have.) For instance, I told my former psychologist that I was interested in homeopathy. He reacted by saying that it's quackery, if it works it's a placebo, blah, blah.. I knew he was wrong. I knew that I could beat him in this argument. It really made me uncomfortable because he always acted like a know-it-all, but I, rather than arguing with him said "Oh, really? I didn't know that.. so it's a placebo effect, huh?" I think that I was too afraid that I was going to embarass myself by arguing with him that I cowered away. It's pathetic, I know. I'm a Casper Milquetoast, I know. But, again, that's my reaction to situations like that.

Again, thanks for your replies!

[ 30 April 2002, 20:00: Message edited by: Thomas McMahon ]