Dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
dear Divina,

this morning I did not have enough time to write about my thoughts which I want to share with you:

I have already been able to tell my parents that it hurt to keep hearing the 'good' and 'well-meant' suggestions and again, they (almost) always used much nicer words than my two grandmothers. So the situation, in my eyes, has been cleared with my parents and I am most grateful (and amazed) that I was able to talk to them openly.

As to my grandmothers I had decided not to confront them, even before I read your kind posts. After having read your posts I am still inclined not to confront them although this may not be the correct decision. Please allow me to explain why:

My father's mother is his step mother. We do not have a genetic relationship, so - please excuse me for what I am saying now - her words do not hurt me as much as the words my other grandmother said. I do not know whether I can express this in a way that you may understand, I do not care about her so much because she has repeatedly been unfair also against my father, my parents and they have all been hurt worse than I. I am just happy that I am not genetically linked to a person who can (maybe even unwillingly) be so cruel and cold. And she has been through a lot of unpleasant and sad experiences in her live, so on the other hand I also feel sorry for her - maybe that is why she does not have any fine emotional sense anymore? She is over 80 years old and fights cancer so I decided not to confront her. Maybe I do not care enough about her to confront her? The next time she says anything odd I will do my best to take a deep breath and rest in my knowledge that I am a complete human being and there are a few people in this world who like me.

My other grandmother's words affect me more and I at least listen to her opinion, but still I decided not to confront her. She, too, is old (86) and she, too, has survived cancer and been through very tough experiences in her life. She is not very healthy presently. I know she means well and I know she cares very much about me, just in her - for me sometimes hard to understand - way. I have the impression she (and maybe my parents) are frightened I may be missing chances and might be more successful if I would only adapt my appearance. They do not want me to miss opportunities because of such a 'small' 'unnecessary' reason. Up to about three months ago the constant topic was 'loose weight' now that I am slowly loosing a bit of weight they feel there is room for more improvement.

Now I am sitting here and asking myself whether I am just avoiding an unpleasant situation (confrontation of the grandmother I like) because I am a weak person or whether I came to a right and kind humane decision. With my mother's side grandmother I feel I care too much about her to confront her. By no means I want her to be upset about me. Maybe I was manipulated into this behavior, I do not know. I remember that when I was younger she very often made me have a very bad conscience by telling me she cried all night worrying about me and I definitely do not want this to happen again. She even accused me for being the reason for problems my mother was having and such. I now know that this definitely not the right way to treat a child or a teenager or a very young adult. But still, now that she is so old, does it make sense to warm up the past and go into a confrontation and maybe hurt her??? I honestly do not know.

I hope you understand and I hope that for me I came to a decision that will not hinder or slow down my way towards health and happiness.

I will just add a very short physical update because I am a little amazed about how well I feel: The period was/is much easier to handle than the last ones. Only Saturday was a hard night and day. I did not need any Ibuprofen, though, and that makes me happy. I hope that this is not just a short break, I will know and tell more on Friday. I even exercised in the mornings yesterday and today.

Thank you for 'listening', I am very, very grateful and I have the very good feeling that I am going through positive changes.

Bettina