Dear Divina,
dear Lisa,
dear Shashi,
dear Barb,
dear Ricky,
dear Shirley,
Ladies and Gentlemen,

This is my weekly update:

Something in me changed, I do not know when, but I realized it on Saturday evening. To explain what changed I feel I need to give you some background information.

That weekend a friend was staying with us from Saturday till Sunday. Saturday evening my grandma (mother's side) called and (again!) asked me to come with her to her hairdresser to have my hair cut and trimmed so that finally I would look decent in her eyes. She does not like my hair and I know that because she has told me repeatedly. I was very upset after the phonecall and told my friend (partner 'Paul') and the friend who was staying with us. I let them know that my parents, too, have stated before that 'a person in my position should wear the hair differently'. I also told him and her that a few weeks ago, shortly before Christmas my other grandmother (father's side) had called and in the course of our telephone conversation had told me that now that I finally lost some weight I am 'finally starting to look like a human being'. I also told them that my grandmother (father's side), when I was little, gave me a cookbook for my birthday and said something like 'you do not have to eat what you cook'. Also that the same grandmother gave a box of Kellogg's corn flakes to my brother when we were kids and told him 'do not share with your sister, she is not supposed to eat such food' while I was sitting there with them. I also told that when I was younger my aunt promised she would give me 100 DM (about 50 $) when I would loose weight. Then I lost my composure and broke into tears (and I am crying again, while I am writing this). This was the background.

Two sides of this story are completely new developments for me: First that I told people how I was treated and that I felt very deeply humiliated by the treatment that I told them about second that I lost my composure and broke into tears in front of my friend (the one who visited us). I usually keep my composure in front of strangers/friends apart from my partner.

What makes me so angry and sad is that people (even my own family!!!) seem to think that being overweight I am ugly, not a human being, and that money would make loosing weight easier. I do not want to talk bad about my family and I am very much convinced that they all in their hearts wanted to help me, they just chose (in my opinion) very bad and for me humiliating and hurting ways to help me.

Well, both - my friend and the friend - told me I was a human being in their eyes and I look ok and my hair is ok, too. And yes, my parents are little bit right about the hair and they have never used humiliating or hurting words to make their point. Still I like my hair and for the time being there will be no change, at least no change with a pair of scissors, I am always willing to try and learn to arrange it differently to look more sophisticated.

Sorry about the long story, I just thought this change in behavior might be of interest from the Homeopath's point of view.

The rest of the week was less spectacular. I had to go on a two day business trip to hold a lecture and returned this evening. (I needed a lot of dark chocolate yesterday and today (which I had to buy on Thursday) - in total 100 g (about three ounces) to compensate for the feeling of loneliness but managed to fit most of it into the diet - carb-wise. I know that this is not the best way to eat but it made me feel better and so I forgave myself. I am not worried about my friend's health any more because he is feeling much better.

The best development of the week (after my friend's recovery): Yesterday I started a period, 42 days after the last one. Up to now the pain is tolerable without Ibuprofen and the blood is manageable - I am prepared and stocked for the worst and the next two days are weekend days, so I am relaxed about the subject and happy that I am functioning much, much closer to normal than last year.

On Wednesday my weight was back at 93 Kilo and that made me happy (I have not checked since).

I am very grateful that another period came and that I am feeling much, much better (calmer, more balanced) than half a year ago and I thank you all very, very much for helping me to accomplish so much already.

Bettina

(I sent a private e-mail to Shirley.)

[ 18 January 2002: Message edited by: Bettina ]</p>